


if i could tell you

by diphylleias



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Body Image, Canon Compliant, F/F, Gen, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Light Angst, Pre-Relationship, Self-Esteem Issues, im sorry, of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-07 23:11:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15230064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diphylleias/pseuds/diphylleias
Summary: “Ah,” the staff member says, like she’s remembered something, “Wendy, can you stay back for a while?”It’s silent for a few moments, before Seungwan casts them an apologetic smile that doesn’t reach her eyes and she hurries over to where the older woman is standing. She leads Seungwan out the door of the practice room and it swings shut with a loudclank. And just like that, the atmosphere goes dark.“I think it’s about unnie’s weight again,” Yerim says quietly, after a few seconds pass. Seulgi swallows, chest tight. Suddenly popsicles don’t seem that appetizing anymore. No one else says anything, because they all know Yerim’s right. And they also all know that once Seungwan comes back, she’ll be her usual bright smiles and happy chatter, because she never,nevertalks to them about it.





	if i could tell you

It starts like this: the curve of Seungwan’s usual smile dropping too fast, her eyes suddenly on the floor all the time, eyes flitting around every room they enter, and Seulgi knows—with a deep and unsettling certainty—that something is wrong.

She’s knows she’s staring, but she also realizes with a sharp twist in her gut that Seungwan, always perceptive and observant, is probably unaware for one of the first times in her life. She watches as Seungwan stares resolutely down at the ground, fiddling with the hem of her shirt and probably not listening to the female staff member currently telling them about their upcoming preparation schedule.

“Wendy,” the staff member says sharply. Seungwan’s head jerks up immediately. “Are you paying attention?”

“Yes,” Seungwan says quietly, bowing her head slightly in apology. “I’m sorry.” The woman sighs slightly and resumes her explanation. Seulgi watches as Seungwan pays attention this time, nodding along and lips pressed together. From beside her, Joohyun presses a hand to Seungwan’s back. Quick and comforting, like she always does. Joohyun takes it away after a few seconds, but Seulgi keeps staring.

Seungwan’s shoulders are still tense.

Seulgi gnaws at the inside of her cheek. Something is definitely wrong. She forces herself to look away and focus. _Colorful,_ _bright_ , she hears. _Cute summer outfits._ Her eyes drift back to Seungwan. She’s even tenser now. Seulgi frowns slightly.

Afterwards, they are dismissed with nothing left to do for the rest of the day. Sooyoung and Yerim eagerly suggest grabbing popsicles at the nearby convenience store to celebrate their last free day, before a sharp voice cuts in.

“Ah,” the staff member says, like she’s remembered something, “Wendy, can you stay back for a while?”

It’s silent for a few moments, before Seungwan casts them an apologetic smile that doesn’t reach her eyes and she hurries over to where the older woman is standing. She leads Seungwan out the door of the practice room and it swings shut with a loud _clank_. And just like that, the atmosphere goes dark.

“I think it’s about unnie’s weight again,” Yerim says quietly, after a few seconds pass. Seulgi swallows, chest tight. Suddenly popsicles don’t seem that appetizing anymore. No one else says anything, because they all know Yerim’s right. And they also all know that once Seungwan comes back, she’ll be her usual bright smiles and happy chatter, because she never, _never_ talks to them about it.

“I hate this,” Sooyoung mutters out, her face miserable. Her soft features are dampened by an unhappy frown, and Seulgi thinks that if anyone is even close to understanding what Seungwan is going through, it’s Sooyoung.   

“Me too,” Seulgi echoes, voice barely above a whisper. It’s quiet again, and _since when has silence ever been the norm for us?_ Seulgi thinks dully.

“Let’s rest up for the rest of the day,” Joohyun finally supplies, but it doesn’t escape Seulgi’s notice that her mouth is also curved downward, shoulders taut with tension. “It sounds like we’ll be busy these upcoming weeks, so let’s take time while we can, okay?” She smiles, and though it’s weak, it has the desired effect.

“Okay,” Yerim mumbles, and together they trudge out the room back towards their dorm, silent all the way. Sooyoung and Yerim disappear into their rooms, and right before Seulgi can enter her own, Joohyun rests a hand on her arm.

“Seulgi,” Joohyun starts hesitantly.

“I’ll try,” Seulgi says immediately, eyes not meeting Joohyun’s. “I’ll try to talk to her.” She keeps her voice low, as if the subject is too fragile to talk about in a normal voice. “I’m her roommate, after all,” she continues, with just a tinge of sadness. “She can’t ignore me forever.”

“It’s more than just being roommates,” Joohyun murmurs quietly. Seulgi’s eyes travel to her face, lips pursed and eyes thoughtful. “You two are close.”

“Yeah,” Seulgi breathes out, because—technically—Joohyun is right. She feels just slightly embarrassed. Seungwan is her best friend, the one who understands her most, the one whose shoulder is always there for Seulgi to lean on. She’s seen Seulgi at her worst, helped her through the toughest times, and is always just _there_ , kind and encouraging.

They’re close.

 _Are we?_ Seulgi thinks desperately. Seungwan almost never talks about her weight problems with Seulgi, let alone anyone else. She confesses to Seulgi her secret dreams, likes and dislikes, and deepest fears, but she rarely ever touches upon the current struggle that plagues her every day.

“Seulgi,” Joohyun says again, slightly worried at the silence. Seulgi sighs heavily and opens the door to her room, only repeating her earlier words before she closes it on Joohyun.

“I’ll try.”

 

 

+

 

 

“Hey,” Seulgi says when Seungwan unlocks the door to their room and shuffles in an hour later.

“Hey,” Seungwan replies back, mouth falling into a gentle smile. But her eyes skirt around Seulgi’s face, and she seems exhausted. “How are y—”

“Are you okay?” Seulgi blurts out. Seungwan’s mouth closes, and then her lips part slightly.

“Of course,” she says, brows furrowed together as though she’s confused. “It was just a little lecture, nothing new.” She pauses. “I’m fine, Seulgi,” she adds on when Seulgi keeps staring at her.

“No,” Seulgi responds evenly. “Seungwan, _are you okay?”_

A moment passes, suspended in silence.

“Seulgi,” Seungwan says quietly, not looking at her. “I’m okay. Just a little tired.” Seulgi almost throws up her hands in frustration. How does she start this conversation without overstepping? Seungwan shuffles to her bed and flops down on it with a content sigh.

“Okay,” Seulgi sighs out. A different approach, then. “Do you want to eat? I still have some instant noodles left in my stash.” She watches Seungwan perk up and then, almost immediately, deflate again. Her chest tightens, and suddenly she knows what Seungwan is going to say before she even opens her mouth. 

“Nah,” Seungwan replies lightly, face still pressed to her bed. “I’m not that hungry tonight.”

“It’s not good to skip meals,” Seulgi huffs out, in her best Joohyun impression. Seungwan snorts and rolls on her side to look at Seulgi.

“I’m really not that hungry, though,” she says, shrugging. Seulgi holds her eyes for a while, mouth curved downwards. There’s a slight tension in the air that she can’t shake.

“You should eat.”

“Not hungry.”

“Seungwan.”

“Seulgiii,” Seungwan shoots back. She breaks eye contact, rolling over to grab something. “You’re being weird.”

“You’re the one being weird,” Seulgi responds, frowning. “You should really eat.”

“Do you want to watch cat videos?” Seungwan asks suddenly, fumbling with her phone and not looking at her. Her voice sounds hopeful, almost childishly so. Seulgi blinks in surprise. In the earlier days, when they had more time, Seungwan would often pester her into watching funny animal videos together, the two of them huddled together on Seulgi’s bed. It’s the closest, Seulgi thinks distantly, that Seungwan’s going to get to explicitly admitting she’s having a hard time and needs someone to talk to.

“Okay,” she says, and Seungwan’s bright smile is worth it. Seungwan squeezes into her bed, soft hoodie brushing up against Seulgi’s bare arms. She positions her phone, tapping away as she scrolls through a variety of animal videos, looking for the right one.

Seulgi indulges her for a while, the two of them giggling at porcupines running across pianos and dogs being put in bathtubs. Mostly, though, Seulgi finds herself watching Seungwan. Her relaxed smile, sparkling eyes, and her laughs, warm and rumbling against Seulgi’s chest. Her heart aches suddenly, because Seungwan deserves so much more than what she gets. The world doesn’t see this: a happy, warm-hearted girl trying to live her dreams.

“You’re staring,” Seungwan says quietly. Seulgi starts, blinking, and finds Seungwan’s eyes on hers, big and hard to read.

“Sorry,” Seulgi mumbles, embarrassed, because she really doesn’t have a good excuse prepared. Seungwan just hums and directs her eyes back to her phone.

“Thanks,” Seungwan murmurs, so soft Seulgi almost misses it. “For worrying about me.” Seulgi is so thrown off guard for a moment that her mind scrambles frantically for something to say in response. _You’re welcome_ sounds too pretentious. _You don’t need to thank me_ would just start an argument. _I’m still worried_ would be even worse.

“You were acting different,” she settles on finally. Seungwan lets out a big sigh at that, tapping the pause button and resolutely pushing her face into Seulgi’s pillow so the taller girl can’t see her expression.

“Should’ve known better than try to keep anything from you,” she mumbles, voice muffled, and Seulgi swallows suddenly. The statement seems like an offhand thought spilling from Seungwan’s mouth, but it weighs hot and heavy and pressing on Seulgi’s shoulders.

“It’s 11,” Seulgi says gently, prodding at Seungwan. “We have to get up early tomorrow.” Seungwan groans and, instead of getting up to go back to her own bed, rolls closer to Seulgi.

“I’m sleeping here tonight,” she announces suddenly, eyes sparkling with a hint of something mischievous. Seulgi stares at her and blinks. Seungwan just grins brightly and _alright_ , Seulgi has never really been able to say no to Seungwan’s smile anyways.

After they stumble into the bathroom and lazily brush their teeth, the two of them fall back together into Seulgi’s bed, still warm from the traces of their body heat. Seungwan seems brighter and happier than she was when she got back, and Seulgi guesses that—for today—it’s good enough.

 _Baby steps_ , Seulgi thinks blearily before sleep takes her. _Baby steps._

 

 

+

 

 

“Seungwan-unnie,” Yerim says one morning a week later, looking serious. Seungwan looks up at her, breathless from learning their new choreography, eyebrows raised. “How come you haven’t posted a selfie in so long on our Instagram? A lot of fans are asking for it, you know.” The younger girl hums as she taps away at her phone and then turns it towards Seungwan, presumably to show her.

“Oh, you know I always forget,” Seungwan replies lazily, making vague hand gestures and barely glancing at Yerim’s phone. “You four are pretty enough for the whole group, anyways.”

Seulgi’s brows furrow, and she looks cautiously at Yerim. The younger is usually all wiggly eyebrows and mischievous smiles, and now would usually be where she teases Seungwan or cracks a joke they all know she doesn’t mean. Instead, Seulgi watches as Yerim frowns slightly and just stares at Seungwan, lips pursed.

“That’s not true,” Seulgi cuts in. Yerim throws her a short, grateful glance.

“Yeah,” Yerim adds on. “You’re plenty pretty. Dare I say…” she lowers her voice, glancing at Joohyun dramatically, “the prettiest?” Seungwan snorts at that and Joohyun hits Yerim half-heartedly on the arm.

“You’re exaggerating,” Seungwan just says, rolling her eyes. But there’s a smile on her face that wasn’t there before and Yerim looks satisfied with herself. Four pairs of eyes are pinning her in place, and Seungwan finally sighs, waving them off again. “Okay,” she lets out reluctantly. “I’ll try to post one soon.”

“Promise?” Yerim asks childishly, eyes narrowed.

“Promise,” Seungwan laughs, shaking her head in amusement.

“I bet she’s going to choose all the ugly filters,” Yerim whispers conspiratorially to Sooyoung. “You know grandmas these days, they never know how to use phones properly.”

“Kim Yerim,” Seungwan sighs out sternly, voice laced with a hint of fondness. “I am _not_ a grandma.”

 

 

+

 

 

“You’re not supposed to eat fruits before singing?” Seungwan asks incredulously from where she lays on her back, staring at her phone. Seulgi bites down a small smile.

“Really?” She replies absentmindedly, engaging Seungwan for aimless chatter. It seems some of her usual energy has come back since the morning, and Seulgi prays it stays.

“Well,” Seungwan says, squinting at her screen. “Only citrus fruits, apparently. Turns out they can dry out your throat?” She blinks and turns to look at Seulgi anxiously. “I can’t believe I never knew that.”

“What else can’t you eat?” Seulgi asks, amused. Seungwan, with her oversized sweat-shirt and worried expression, looks a bit like a lost puppy.

“You shouldn’t drink soda or alcohol,” Seungwan continues reading off her phone, “oh, but I already knew those. And milk and ice cream can add mucous to your throat,” she adds, wrinkling her nose slightly. Seulgi just chuckles and lets her mind drift to different foods and drinks.

“Ah,” she remembers suddenly. “Speaking of food, did you eat yet? I know you had to stay back longer for recording.”  

“Oh,” Seungwan says, and then her eyes flit down to her lap for a fraction of a second before they’re on Seulgi again. “It’s okay, I have a salad.” She bends over, rummaging in her corner of items before she pulls out a small, pre-packaged salad from the convenience store. Seulgi stares at the salad, voice momentarily caught in her throat as she watches Seungwan fiddle with the meal. “Diet,” Seungwan adds on hastily, the one word explaining everything, and Seulgi sits dumbly at her desk, surprised at the sudden statement. The other girl isn’t looking at her.

“Oh,” she echoes quietly, at a loss.

“It says you shouldn’t drink coffee either!” Seungwan lets out in alarm, looking at her phone and continuing as though nothing happened. “Sooyoung drinks coffee a lot when she gets back late for drama filming.” She bites her lip and glances at Seulgi worriedly. “Maybe tea would be better.”

“I,” Seulgi starts, still feeling slightly off balance. “I think if coffee is bad, tea probably isn’t much better. It might just be caffeine in general.”

“Hm, you’re probably right,” Seungwan mutters, pouting at her phone.

“You worry too much,” Seulgi tells her gently, smiling slightly at the way Seungwan shifts from pouting at her phone to pouting at her.

“Just trying to be mindful,” Seungwan huffs out.

“Worry more about yourself, sometimes,” Seulgi tries to say lightly, but it comes out heavy and pointed. Seungwan’s pout vanishes and is replaced with a pair of rapidly blinking eyes and parted lips and _shoot_ , Seulgi thinks. That didn’t come out quite right. “Don’t overwork yourself,” she adds on quickly.

“I think _you_ worry too much about _me_ ,” Seungwan teases after a moment passes.

“That’s not—” Seulgi starts, but Seungwan makes clucking noises and shakes her head.

“C’mon,” she says cheerfully. Seulgi wonders if it’s forced. “Let’s eat and then go to bed. We have to be up early tomorrow again.”

 

 

+

 

 

Seulgi wakes up slowly, groggily, and realizes immediately that it’s definitely not seven in the morning. Pitch black greets her, with the traces of sleep lingering behind her eyes, and she spots a bright _4:32_ in the corner of the room where her alarm clock stands. In the dark, she can barely make out Seungwan shuffling around quietly, and it’s obvious from her slow movements that she’s trying not to wake Seulgi. Seulgi debates quietly with herself for a few seconds before curiosity and worry overcomes her.

“Seungwan?” She mumbles out. The girl in question freezes and then turns around very slowly.

“Sorry,” Seungwan whispers, sounding guilty and panicked.

“What are you doing?” Seulgi asks sleepily. A few seconds of heavy silence pass, and that’s enough to force Seulgi to stare more closely at Seungwan and feel oddly suspicious that something is not right.

“I’m going for a run,” Seungwan says finally, slipping on a pair of athletic shoes. “Wanted to clear my mind, you know?”

Seulgi’s stomach knots itself uncomfortably when Seungwan shifts slightly and Seulgi can see the telltale white drawstring on her joggers. _At 4 in the morning?_ She almost asks, but she bites it back nervously. She knows why.

“Okay.” Seulgi murmurs after a moment. Seungwan avoids her eyes and she hesitates, wondering if she should bother repeating the words she said earlier. “Don’t overwork yourself.”

“I know,” Seungwan replies immediately. It sounds dull, rehearsed. “See you in a bit. Sorry for waking you.” And just like that, she slips out the door and it slides shut with a distinct click that leaves Seulgi feeling cold and helpless. Seulgi stares blankly at the darkness, and it takes her several tosses and turns before sleep finally overtakes her again.

 

 

The alarm goes off later, at seven in the morning, and Seulgi jolts awake and groans sleepily. She sits up slowly on her bed, rolling her stiff shoulders and sighing in anticipation at the long day ahead of her.

“Oh,” she hears Seungwan’s voice say. “You’re awake. I just finished showering.” Seulgi blinks several times, staring at the fuzzy world around her before her eyes find Seungwan padding around the room in a towel and her mind goes carefully, deliberately blank. “Seulgi?” Seungwan asks curiously when she gets no response. The other walks over to Seulgi’s bed and frowns at her slightly. “Are you listening?”

“Yeah,” Seulgi blurts out hastily. “Sorry.” She stares at the few water droplets on Seungwan’s collarbones and the slope of her shoulders for far too long to be appropriate and just as she’s about to apologize again Seungwan draws her eyes down to the floor and seems to shrink on herself as she turns around abruptly.

“We have to be to be down by seven thirty,” Seungwan says quietly. She draws her towel in closer and pointedly avoids Seulgi’s eyes as she walks across to her bed to grab a change of clothes. Seulgi’s heart drops when she realizes what Seungwan is thinking.

“Seungwan,” she starts. The other stills. _There’s nothing wrong with your body_ , Seulgi wants to yell in frustration, _there never will be_ , but her tongue stays tight and panicked like her mind and eventually she sighs and settles with, “Don’t forget your water bottle.”

Seungwan hums in acknowledgement without turning back around and instead steps into the bathroom with her day clothes to change. The door closes quietly and Seulgi stares at it blankly for several seconds before she shakes herself off and quickly shuffles into a plain t-shirt and a pair of exercise leggings.

“It’ll be okay,” she mutters to herself under her breath. She sits back on her bed for a quick moment to pull on her shoes and shuts her eyes again—thinking, praying, hoping. Everything will be okay.

 

 

+

 

 

“Sorry,” Seungwan wheezes out, for what must be the hundredth time. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Joohyun replies, also for the hundredth time. And though her words and expression are sincere, Seulgi can spot the exhaustion creeping in and tugging the corners of her mouth down. Sooyoung and Yerim are the same, and she suspects she must not look much better.

“How about we call it a day?” Seulgi offers quietly, sneaking a look at the clock in the practice room, which reads a dull _12:46 am_. “I think we’re all getting kind of tired.” A chorus of agreeing grunts sound around the room and Joohyun purses her lips.

“Alright,” the older says easily. “Seulgi’s right. Let’s get some rest.”

“I think I’ll stay a little longer,” Seungwan pipes up sheepishly. “I still keep messing up during the bridge.” Joohyun nods, tired, and she begins to fetch her things to get ready to leave.

“I can stay with you,” Seulgi blurts out, too caught up in Seungwan’s exhausted expression to listen to the own sounds of her aching body protesting. She turns her eyes casually to her water bottle to avoid meeting Seungwan’s eyes.

“Don’t stay too late,” Sooyoung calls as she and the rest begin to file out the door. “We start filming tomorrow.”

“Got it,” Seungwan replies, waving at them as they leave. As soon as the girls are gone, she turns to frown at Seulgi. “You didn’t have to stay with me, you know.”

“It’s fine,” Seulgi insists stubbornly. “The more the merrier, right?” She cracks a smile and shoots a pair of finger guns towards her. Seungwan snorts with a smile before it drops from her face and she’s turning her eyes down to the floor. Seulgi spots the discomfort instantly and mentally prepares herself for some sort of self-deprecating comment to spill out of Seungwan’s mouth.

“Okay then,” Seungwan starts hesitantly. “Do you think you can help me?”

“Yeah,” Seulgi says immediately, giving another smile. “Of course.” Seungwan beams at her and though her mind is still screaming for sleep, Seulgi’s heart warms exponentially.

“To be honest, I was going to ask you to stay but I felt bad because you looked tired and also my dancing is so bad I just…” Seungwan trails off, mumbling. Seulgi stares at her, lips pressed together.

“Your dancing isn’t bad,” she tells her honestly, as she has a hundred times before. “And you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about asking for help.” Seungwan just sighs at that, waving her off.

“Okay, okay, whatever you say.” She brushes off Seulgi’s words like they’re nothing and bends down to touch her toes, exhaling as she stretches. “Let’s start practicing again.” She shoots Seulgi a look and then smiles lightly. “Stop pouting.”

“I’m not pouting,” Seulgi shoots back sulkily. “You should just…” she inhales as she rolls her tired wrists around, “believe in yourself more.” Seungwan just hums quietly in response and presses the button on the speaker to start the music again.

“Alright,” Seungwan murmurs under her breath. “Let’s go from the top.”

They practice tediously for the next forty-five minutes or so with Seungwan carefully pausing, rewinding, and slowing down their newly recorded song to work through dance moves. Seulgi hovers awkwardly, dancing along with her and offering tips and helpful critiques in a way she prays doesn’t come off as mean. It’s never been like this before: her thought process so stilted and careful around Seungwan. Every word that comes out her mouth is mulled-over, hand-picked.

“You’re being weird,” Seungwan says finally, frowning when they stop. Seulgi flinches slightly. “You’re being too nice to me. Don’t you usually give me more criticism?” She gulps down water quickly and turns to stare at Seulgi.

“I—” Seulgi flounders for a second. “I just don’t want to sound too mean.”

“Seulgi,” Seungwan chides, rolling her eyes and scoffing. “You’ve literally helped me dance since we were trainees and I could barely dance without tripping over my feet. I don’t think you have to worry about hurting my feelings.” She pauses, seemingly thinking, before she shrugs lightly and caps her water bottle. “It’s not like I haven’t heard worse about me.”

 _Ah_. Seulgi swallows nervously, not quite sure if Seungwan is just talking about her dancing anymore. She lets herself imagine—for a brief moment—Seungwan being yelled at, criticized, told to do better.

“You really _are_ fine though,” Seulgi insists firmly, batting away the images in her mind. Seungwan raises a skeptical eyebrow at her. “A bit of a slower learner, maybe,” Seulgi hastily admits. “But it doesn’t mean you’re bad. I mean, I think your movements are always really smooth.”

“You’ve become more of a motivational speaker lately, haven’t you?” Seungwan says, laughing as she uses a towel to wipe sweat from her brow. Seulgi smiles back sheepishly. Of course Seungwan would notice her attempts at subtle encouragement.

“Maybe you should stop sending all those TED talk videos to the group chat,” Seulgi teases back. Seungwan throws her head back and lets out a loud laugh at that, shoulders shaking.

“You can’t expect me to _not_ send them when they come out with Korean captions. And they’re interesting!” She exclaims, just slightly defensive. They giggle together for a few seconds before it tapers off into silence and Seungwan opens her mouth to speak again. “Let’s head back,” she sighs, the corner of her mouth still curved upwards. “Thanks again for helping. And—” she makes a small sound as she lifts herself up off the floor. “For believing in me.”

“Anytime,” Seulgi replies easily. And she’s always like this, with Seungwan: her heart cut wide open and her words stupidly honest. It’s impossible to be any other way around the warmth that Seungwan exudes. _Hopeless, hopeless, hopeless,_ her heart sings.

 _Yeah_ , Seulgi shoots back as they begin to clean up the room and prepare to leave. _I know._

 

 

+

 

 

In truth, they’re _all_ forced to go on a diet for upcoming promotions. At this point in their careers, it’s become almost a requirement. Eat less, practice more, watch the number on the scale as you prepare to enter again into the harsh eye of the public. But still—one would be blind to miss the way Seungwan’s portions are scaled back to the extreme compared to the others. Even Sooyoung, who’s diet is typically more restrictive, can hardly compare to the other girl.

“Are you still hungry?” Joohyun asks once, softly. It’s a breath of fresh air to be able to eat dinner together as a group amidst their hectic preparations, and yet Seungwan has already finished her single sweet potato and is now sitting awkwardly at the table as the rest of them continue to eat.

“Nah,” Seungwan says breezily. “Don’t worry.”

“Are you sure?” Joohyun continues on, uncertainty lacing her tone. “You can have some of my rice if you want.”

“No m _om_ ,” Seungwan teases out slowly. “I’m sure.” Joohyun huffs at her childishly and Yerim giggles silently at the other end of the table. Seulgi tries to ease the worry knotting in her stomach as she watches Seungwan absentmindedly tap her chopsticks against her empty plate.

“Is—” Sooyoung starts hesitantly, poking at her own food. “Is your diet going alright?”

“Oh,” Seungwan just lets out, looking slightly surprised. Seulgi shifts uncomfortably in her seat; the topic seems almost taboo. “Yeah, I mean, you can tell I’ve lost weight, right?” She blinks up at the rest of them, eyes hopeful with a small smile on her face. And she _is_ right: it’s quite obvious that she lost weight in the way Seungwan’s legs had slimmed down considerably and her face had become sharper, more defined in the recent month. And yet, as she’s supposedly becoming healthier, her face only ever seems to grow more exhausted.

“But, well,” Sooyoung tries, “Unnie, are you okay with this diet?”

“Oh, you know,” Seungwan says, waving her hands. “It’s kind of hard, but it’s—” she pauses for a moment, searching for the right word. “It’s manageable.”

“That’s good,” Seulgi murmurs, and an echo of agreement choruses around the table, even if none of them are quite sure Seungwan is telling the truth. Seungwan’s eyes crinkle.

“I’m gonna get some water,” she announces as she get up out of her seat to quickly shuffle over to the water fountain in the corner. A light conversation starts with Yerim wondering about some of the variety shows they’re apparently going to be going on and Seungwan listens, interested, as she patiently waits for her glass of water to be filled. And then, as Seulgi’s eyes linger on Seungwan’s returning figure, something in the girl’s step suddenly strikes her as terribly, unmistakably wrong.

Seungwan doesn’t make it back to the table before she collapses.

Seulgi rockets up from her seat just barely in time to catch Seungwan before she touches the floor. The rest of the members scramble noisily out of their chairs to gather by them and _this_ , Seulgi thinks darkly as Seungwan presses against her, arms cold and breaths shallow in her ear, _this_ is not what _manageable_ looks like. The plastic cup is knocked out of her hands and the water spills messily on the side.

“Oh my god,” Sooyoung is muttering over and over again under her breath, “Oh my _god_.”

“Seungwan,” Joohyun says, almost pleading. “Wendy. Can you hear me?” Seungwan’s eyes are still closed and with a small movement, Seulgi and Yerim flip her over on her back to lay on the hardwood floors. The feeling of simply repositioning her is unsettling; Seulgi can _feel_ the bones in Seungwan’s arms far too easily to be considered normal.

“She’s so thin,” Yerim whispers, voice tight as she takes her hand off Seungwan’s legs. Seulgi doesn’t want to agree aloud. Instead, she hastily unzips her old jacket and begins folding it as a makeshift pillow to place beneath Seungwan’s head.

“C’mon,” she hears herself mumble frantically. “Wake up.” And then, as she’s still leaning over Seungwan adjusting the jacket beneath her head, Seungwan eyes flutter open with a sharp inhale. She tries to sit up so quickly she headbutts Seulgi in the chin and ends up awkwardly pressed against Seulgi’s chest.

“Uh?” Seungwan lets out intelligibly. Seulgi blinks once, twice, slightly flustered, and slowly but firmly places her hands on Seungwan’s shoulders and pushes the other girl down to rest against the floor.

“You fainted,” Joohyun supplies, a gentle hand coming to rest on Seungwan’s arm. “But you were only out for a few moments. How do you feel?”

“Like I just fainted,” Seungwan says weakly, trying to crack a grin. Yerim pushes her slightly.

“You’re not eating enough,” Seulgi forces out finally. “It’s not healthy.” Seungwan opens her mouth to respond, before Sooyoung cuts in pointedly.

“How many calories are you eating a day?” Sooyoung asks, eyes wide and lips turned downwards. Seungwan’s mouth closes for a second and then slowly opens again.

“Around six hundred,” Seungwan finally says quietly, her eyes not looking at any of them. And it’s so—defeated. Sooyoung exhales shakily, head shaking at the answer.

“Unnie, you—” Sooyoung pauses, delicate fingers curling into fists. “You _know_ that’s not okay.”

“It’s not about what’s _okay_ or not, Sooyoung,” Seungwan’s voice rises suddenly, surprising all of them, and she sounds almost desperate. Her voice is scratchy and paper thin. “You guys know that. It’s only ever been about—”

The silence Seungwan falls into then is almost suffocating. No one says a word, and for a moment, Seulgi wishes with terrible, twisted guilt that Seungwan will break down in front of them. That for once, she stops the constant brave front and just lets them offer comfort. To finally unload the burden from her shoulders and smile the _real_ Seungwan smile, not the fake one.

“Sorry,” Seungwan murmurs instead. She gingerly rolls herself up and clutches Seulgi’s jacket in her lap. “I think I’m gonna go back to the dorm to rest. You guys can finish eating first.”

“Are you sure you can walk back by yourself?” Yerim pipes up, voice small.

“It’s fine, really,” Seungwan insists, her eyes still not meeting any of theirs. “Don’t worry about me.”

 

 

+

 

 

The next morning, Seulgi blinks awake at four a.m. for what must be the tenth time that month. She doesn’t wake up every morning, thankfully, but she has a sneaking suspicion that occasionally she just sleeps through the sound of Seungwan getting up. Seungwan moves around the dark room quietly, and Seulgi feels a drop in her chest at the events from last night. And then, as the door closes softly behind Seungwan, Seulgi sits up and resolutely swings her legs over the side of her bed. 

Quickly, she pulls on a faded t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, and then hastily ties her hair in what she hopes is a bun. A small splash of water on her face, and then Seulgi slips quietly out the door and tilts her head cautiously, listening to faint footsteps pattering away.

Seulgi follows Seungwan discreetly for almost three blocks, tiptoeing cautiously a long distance behind her, until eventually Seungwan stops and enters a building Seulgi recognizes immediately as the company gym. Her chest tightens and she lets out a quiet sigh, her breath hot against the cool morning air. She stands at the corner of the street for a while, mulling over the possibilities until her feet are moving without her knowing and carrying her through the glass doors.

“Seungwan,” Seulgi starts nervously as soon as she spots the other girl sitting alone on a yoga mat. Seungwan’s back is facing her, and Seulgi realizes upon second glance that Seungwan is wearing her old jacket from yesterday.

“It must be nice,” Seungwan says suddenly. And Seulgi freezes where she’s standing in front of the mat because Seungwan doesn’t greet her, doesn’t even seem surprised. The other’s voice is frighteningly blank, monotone like it’s never been before.

“Seungwan,” Seulgi tries again, “Wh—”

“It must be nice,” Seungwan cuts her off, not turning around, “to be so skinny.”

Seulgi’s blood runs cold.

“It must be nice to dance so well. To be so tall. To be so pretty. To be liked by fans.” Seungwan’s voice is shaky but she plows on without stopping. “It must be so nice.”

“Seungwan.” Seulgi exhales quietly, discomfort and shame and worry clawing at her chest. “Wendy.” The other girl flinches slightly. “Look at me.” Seungwan finally turns around so Seulgi can see her, and it feels like a punch in the gut when Seulgi sees quiet tears running down Seungwan’s face. She quickly wipes her cheeks on the sleeves of Seulgi’s jacket before looking up again.

“How do you do that, Seulgi?” Seungwan asks with a watery smile, and Seulgi’s heart breaks cleanly in half.

“I don’t,” Seulgi starts, frustrated. “I’m not—I’m not anything. I’m not perfect.”

“Sure,” Seungwan quips with weak sarcasm.

“I’m _not_ ,” Seulgi says fiercely, because she wants more than anything for the sad, broken girl in front of her to understand. “Seungwan, you—you’re amazing. Your singing, your personality, you—”

“My singing,” Seungwan repeats, laughing darkly. “There are good singers everywhere nowadays. You’re basically the same level as I am, you know.” _I’m replaceable_ , is what she seems to be saying. Seulgi drops down on the mat next to Seungwan with so much force the other jolts in surprise.

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.” Seulgi declares loudly, and Seungwan’s mouth falls open at her tone. She takes Seungwan’s hand into her own, eyes staying pinned to Seungwan’s eyes. “You—you’re one of best people I’ve ever met in my life. You work harder than anyone else and you never, ever give up. It—I don’t even know how you can stand that diet, but you rarely ever complain and—really, the group wouldn’t be the same without you.” Seungwan is still staring at her, eyes wide, and Seulgi clumsily stumbles on, tipping over her words and averting her eyes. “Your voice is beautiful, and you practically taught all of us how to sing, Seungwan, you—you’ve always been willing to listen to anyone and I just really—you don’t deserve to go through everything you have. You’re more than your body—you—you’re incredible,” she finishes finally, feeling moderately embarrassed and very scattered. “I’m really glad I met you,” she adds on quietly, letting her eyes float back up to Seungwan’s face.

Seungwan’s cheeks are still glistening, but the tears aren’t flowing anymore and instead she gapes at Seulgi, cheeks flushed and eyes blinking rapidly. Her hand is still warm under Seulgi’s, and it’s refreshingly quiet in the room.

In a different world, maybe this would be the moment where Seulgi doesn’t let go of Seungwan’s hand. Where Seulgi pulls her in closer and tells her—heart wrenchingly honest, tongue tied with nervous energy— _I like you_. It could feel just right: the tangible emotion in the air and the reckless declaration captured inside a sweet summer morning.

But this is not that world, and Seulgi releases Seungwan’s hand gently.

Because as right as it could feel, _I like you_ is also wrong. This is about Seungwan, not Seulgi, and a confession somehow isn’t the proper response to Seungwan’s heavy words and troubled mind. It’s both not enough and too much at the same time, and for now, Seulgi is content with the silence.

“Thank you,” Seungwan finally says softly, wiping the remainders of her tears on her sleeves. And then she laughs quietly, shaking her head to herself. “You’re amazing, Seulgi,” she smiles at Seulgi easily. Her peaceful expression shy words let Seulgi know they’re words from the heart rather than a place of jealousy, and Seulgi exhales heavily, heart hammering in her chest.

“No more than you,” she replies steadily. Seungwan sighs.

“I just wanted to sing,” Seungwan admits suddenly, leaning into Seulgi. “When I first started, that’s all I wanted to do. Some days I’m not really sure that _this_ is living my dream. Sometimes it feels like it but other times I—” she heaves a breath. “I’m not sure, but I won’t give up, Seulgi. Because I love it—singing, performing, our members—I love it.”

“I believe in you,” Seulgi says gently. A moment of peace hovers over them and then, “Also, you’re wearing my jacket.”

“Ah,” Seungwan stills and casts Seulgi a sheepish look. “I know, sorry. Do you still want it back? I got it all dirty.” She laughs, sweet and light and Seulgi already knows she won’t deny the other girl anything.

“It’s really old,” Seulgi reminds her, raising a brow. Seungwan hums.

“It’s warm, though,” Seungwan points out quietly. “Nice and warm: it reminds me of you.” 

“You can keep it,” Seulgi says immediately, heart doing a funny dance in her chest. It’s laughing again, mocking her. Seungwan grins wide and free. Seulgi’s heart keeps on singing.

 

 

+

 

 

“You’re always on your phone lately,” Seulgi points out, a few nights later as they settle into bed.

“I’ve been talking to Taeyeon-unnie,” Seungwan admits, smiling faintly. Seulgi blinks in surprise. “She and Yerim are actually pretty close, you know? And Yerim told me Taeyeon had some good advice about…” she pauses, and Seulgi watches her swallow. “About getting through tough times, I guess. And dealing with life in general.”

“Oh,” Seulgi says, mouth falling into a gentle curve. “That’s really nice of her.”

“I know, right?” Seungwan replies happily. “I’m learning a lot and I think I’m really—I’m getting there,” she finishes softly. “I’m getting there.”

“You are,” Seulgi confirms. Seungwan turns to look at her and Seulgi sees shimmers in her eyes, slivers of happiness creeping back into her smile, and most importantly, _improvement_.

 

 

+

 

 

“Unnie!” Yerim exclaims excitedly. “There are so many comments about you!” The five of them sit huddled together on the floor of Joohyun’s room, pouring over the flow of comments on their just-posted music video.

“Yeah,” Seungwan breathes out, and she sounds so genuinely stunned. “Oh, wow.”

“A lot of them are saying how pretty you are,” Sooyoung adds on with a big smile. Seungwan hums embarrassedly and continues scrolling on her own phone.

“I think I like this comment the best, to be honest,” Seungwan admits after a beat, and Seulgi leans into her space to squint at the jumble of Korean characters on her phone.

 _WENDY!!!!!_ The comment reads excitedly. _You are beautiful inside and out!!!! Fan since day 1!!!!!!!! It doesn’t matter your weight or age, I will always love you <3!!!!! _

“It’s so enthusiastic,” Seulgi says, almost laughing.

“Yeah,” Seungwan agrees, huffing out breathy chuckles.

“But you’re right,” Seulgi continues on. Seungwan glances up curiously, eyes big and questioning and Seulgi’s stomach flutters, just slightly, as she looks Seungwan in the eye and smiles. “I like that one the best, too.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> ...this is both the saddest AND most self-indulgent thing i've ever written akjsdghkj in this house we love and respect son seungwan thank u 
> 
> as always, comments and kudos are hugely appreciated!! ♡
> 
> title from [here](https://open.spotify.com/track/5HsSsEeP3hU9QSfHZrzbtA?si=kdnZNqf6RducjVLht0-anw)
> 
> p.s.: happy #4YearsWithRedVelvet!!!


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